Respect.

It’s a word we use a lot in a Montessori environment. Please respect your friends, your environment, the work, the book, etc.

But what does it mean to respect someone or something? And how do we communicate that to a young child?

I found myself using the respect word a lot more in the last few months and it wasn’t until I was correcting one of the boys that I realized how vague the term respect can be for a child. Something had happened and I told my son, “Please respect your…”, in exasperation he shouted back, “I don’t even know what that means!” It got me thinking…

We often use the word respect and assume the child inherently understands what it means to respect. Sure, we model respect in the way we treat others, the environment, and interact with them, but still…is that enough?

I usually say respect means taking care of things, treating others like you want to be treated. Even these explanations can be hard for a child to correlate to their specific behavior at hand.

After some careful thinking I responded to my son, “Respect is thinking about how your words and actions affect the people and environment around you.”

We could stop there. They could just think about what they’re doing, but it still doesn’t call them to a specific action.

Pausing, I amended my statement,

“Respect is thinking about how your words and actions affect the people and environment around you and choosing to do what is best or most helpful for those around you or the environment.”

Oftentimes we have to talk through the specific behavior at hand to help our children see why yelling or talking loudly, even in play, when someone in the room has a headache or a hearing aid is not respectful. Children don’t always take note of these details and if they do, they might not always understand what it means for their actions.

It’s training them to be observant and considerate people. It’s helping them to think through their actions and ask, “Why? What? How?” It’s laying a basis of self-reflection. Learning respect, even at their young age, though the process feels slow, is cultivating a spirit of humility and service in their hearts and lives.

How do you talk about respect in your home?

I started this year with blogging vigor. My posting schedule planned with monthly topics for Montessori 101, a book club in the works, and outlines for a few behind the scenes projects. But the last two months things have grown pretty quiet around here. Why?

We’re expecting Baby #4 in October, so the last three months I’ve been in survival mode. For awhile, I was able to keep the Montessori wheels turning, but once the nausea and exhaustion hit full force I just had to stop. My exhaustion was so strong for awhile thinking beyond the necessities was…let’s say, pretty unfruitful.

At 15 weeks, I’m just beginning to get my energy back (some days are better than others) and I’ve regained most of my mental clarity. I’m looking to find a new normal in this season. I’d love to be back to my old, productive self, but I know even with the best laid plans things change.

I’m hoping to return to writing the Montessori 101 posts in the next few weeks. The next topic is the Prepared Environment. For now, you can revisit earlier posts in the series on the history of Montessori, Montessori’s approach to the child, sensitive periods and the absorbent mind, how children work and we can help, and creativity and imagination.

I’m still trying to decide what to do with the OMH Book Club. It kind of fell off the wayside midway through Montessori Today. I’m not ready to drop the ball completely, especially since I’ve been looking forward to reading our next book Home Grown by Ben Hewitt. It feels a bit timely in the wake of numerous reports of overzealous neighbors policing parenting. Perhaps it’ll show up on the blog rather than the FB group…thoughts?

Alright…want to keep up with Our Montessori Home as I figure out the new normal? You can follow us on Facebook, Instagram (@Jess_Reflects), or sign up for the newsletter.

P.S. – The day of these pictures was also the day we found out we were pregnant. And I totally feel like I forgot something in this post. Oh! The blog is getting a makeover and it’s pretty. 🙂

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Montessori tends to get a bad rapt when it comes to creativity and imagination. People tend to to think that Montessori did not like the creative arts or for children to play pretend. This is an incorrect assumption.

The child’s imagination and creativity is built through interactions with the environment. It seems to always come back to the environment, doesn’t it?

Montessori emphasized reality for the young child, because their understanding of their environment and the world is still being developed. She saw this environment as beautiful, harmonious, and based in reality, so that the child can “organize his perceptions of it.”

Why reality before creativity?

When the child “has developed realistic and ordered perceptions of the life about him, the child is capable of the selecting and emphasizing processes necessary for creative endeavors” (45).

A good grasp of reality–being able to perceive and understand the basic workings and interactions of the world around us—leads to creativity and imagination.

“Montessori emphasized that this selective capability requires three qualities: a remarkable power of attention and concentration which appear almost as a form of meditation; a considerable autonomy and independence of judgment; and an expectant faith that remains open to truth and reality.”

Paula Polk Lillard, Montessori: A Modern Approach, 45

We tend to think of the child’s creation of fantasies and tales as proof of their great imaginations. However, Montessori believed this wasn’t the child’s full imaginative and creative potential, but a sign of his dependent and powerless position in life. Even the belief in adult created myths and traditions, like Santa Claus, Montessori saw as more due to the child’s openness to believe rather than their own creativity.

In short, they are swayed and influenced by the adult, rather than being their own creators. Lillard says it this way, “The adult substitutes his imagination for the child’s because he continually sees the child as a passive being for whom he must act” (45).

Montessori believed when children heard fairy tales and such they were not encouraging the child’s imagination, or creating creativity, but that the child “is only receiving impressions. He is not developing his own powers to imagine constructively” (The Absorbent Mind, 254-255).

So what does this mean? Do we leave behind the imaginative, the great stories of the past? What of Narnia and Middle Earth? Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox?

It wasn’t that Montessori didn’t like creativity or imagination (stories and such) as much as she didn’t care for how it left the child as a passive receiver rather than an active participant or creator. It’s important to note that she shared fairy tales with her children and saw them as a valuable part of life, but after the basis for reality was laid.

Montessori saw the environment—beauty, order, and reality—as essential, but also that the child needs freedom to develop creativity. The child needs,

“freedom to select what attracts him in his environment, to relate to it without interruption and for as long as he likes, to discover solutions and ideas and select his answer on his own, and to communicate and share his discoveries at will.” (46)

Do you want a creative and imaginative child? Let the child be free and create an environment that supports, enables, and propels the child to greater freedom. When the child  is able to move freely about the environment, choose and be absorbed in purposeful work, meet challenges and find solutions, and to do this independently, then you have a child who is ready and capable to be an active participant, rather than a passive receiver, of his own creativity and imagination.

Lillard also points out that without the adult authority to pronounce good/bad or right/wrong, the child owns their creative responses and impulses. They are not easily swayed by an outside source. The child becomes the evaluator, no longer looking for the approval of an adult or peer to say whether their drawing it right and good, their fort truly looks like a castle, or whether an astronaut could really fly to Mars. The child has the skills to be their own independent, confident, creative being.

So really, rooting a child in reality (and all that follows and includes) leads to a more confident, creative, able, and imaginative human being.

All work is cloaked in the power of creation. And that’s one thing we need to realize. To be creative isn’t to only paint, or write, tell stories or act out dramas. To be creative is to engage in real, meaningful, and beautiful activity for the benefit of ourselves and others. Sometimes that takes the look of a beautiful painting and sometimes it takes the look of pouring water in a glass to share with a friend. Both activities are an act of creation needing first the foundation of freedom, opportunity for work, self-discipline, and a prepared environment.

This post is part of a series called Montessori 101. In February, we looked at Montessori’s approach to the child. In March, we’ll dive into the prepared environment and what that means.

Don’t miss a post in the series by signing up for the Our Montessori Home Newsletter!

Montessori observed that children enjoyed work. They felt a sense of pleasure and pride to be busy and engrossed in a meaninful task. “They appeared immensely please, peaceful, and rested after the most strenuous concentration on tasks they had freely chosen to do” (Montessori: A Modern Approach, 37).

Through her observations, Montessori noticed the negative behaviors the children of Casa dei Bambini displayed, destructive or passive, slowly disappeared as they find themselves occupied in meaningful work. This observation led Montessori to believe that the child has a need that must be met through concentration and that this was the child’s natural state. This is what Montessori called normalization.

“It is certain that the child’s aptitude for work represents a vital instinct; for without work his personality cannot organize itself and deviates from the normal lines of its construction. Man builds himself through working.” The Secret of Childhood, 208

The child is driven to work to find his or her purpose.

The child is often characterized as purposeless, all over the place, making a mess, causing distractions, intent on causing disorder and distraction, satisfied by nothing. What the child is really looking for is a meaningful activity that he can do by himself.

When the child comes upon such an activity he has found his place and is content. Until he has mastered it. This is why observing the child and continually cultivating a prepared environment is so important. The environment is not set up once for all. It is consistently cured and adapted to the needs of the child.

Paula Polk Lillard marks an important difference in the way children work versus the way adults work, “Children use the environment to improve themselves; adults use themselves to improve the environment. Children work for the sake of process; adults work to achieve an end result” (38).

This is an important difference to take into consideration. The way we interact in our environment is fundamentally different than the way a child interacts. We seek an end result, usually “to get stuff done.” The child seeks to better know and understand themselves and their environment while challenging themselves to acquire new skills or abilities through work. And, the child wants to “do it by myself.”

What does this mean for us?

Give the child grace and opportunity. It is so easy to get frustrated when children go from one area of the house to another dumping out toys or pulling out a work activity only to leave it moments later. Learn to be okay with that. Usually one of two things are happening, the child is content to work for a short period of time. Or, the child is seeking an activity to hold their interest and fulfill their need for meaningful activity and it is not being met in their current environment.

Don’t be disappointed by this. I know it can be frustrating to prepare activities that remain unused or discarded, but take this as an opportunity to observe your child and assist them to find that meaningful work they need. This becomes even harder as most children cannot explain their exact drive or desire at a specific time. Essentially, they don’t know what they’re looking for until they find themselves in it.

Respect the child’s need and desire for independence. As much as possible, allow the child to “do it myself.” It’s all too easy for us, as adults, to act for our children in ways they could act for themselves. We inhibit their physical capability as well as their will, often causing power struggles. Invite them to work alongside you, even if they don’t do it right or fully participate as you might hope, they are still learning and being exposed to new activities and cycles of work. Allowing them to “do it myself” will also give you a chance to observe areas the child may need growth as well as inspire activities that will meet their desire for work.

Don’t interrupt the child’s attention. When the child is concentrated, they are in the most deep aspect of their work. Things are happening. Even if the task seems insignificant to you, work is happening. The child might be building blocks, working on a puzzle, flipping through pages book after book, cutting paper, spooning, changing clothes, or whatnot. When we unnecessarily interrupt the child’s work, we are telling them that what they are doing is not important.

Take a deep breath and step back. Trust your child’s natural processes. Each child has an intrinsic motivation to grow into their fullest self. This comes through much trial and error, and yes—mess. Learn to let go of the need for control and be willing to look at your child’s actions through the lens of curiosity.

Observe the child. In stepping back, take note of how your child interacts with his or her environment. What are they most interested in? What activities do they pursue? In the home, where do they willingly spend the most of their time? What do they resist or struggle with? When do they say the most “do it myself” and what are they doing? Where and in what activities do you find the most conflict or power struggles? All of these are clues as to what your child needs and desires in their work. Just remember, the child’s needs are constantly evolving. Be willing to adapt and change.

Prepare the environment. Once you’ve observed and noted what could be adapted or assist your children in their direction, prepare the environment. The child cannot conquer their environment without the help of a loving and patient guide. This is our role as parents and teachers. Prepare work that appeals to the needs you’ve observed, adapt or change routines, plan for extra time to let the child make their own lunch or get ready for an errand (shoes, coats, dressing), move or change furniture in the home to fuel their independence. (We’ll be spending the whole month of March talking about the prepared environment and what we can do in the home.)